Hi y'all :)
I'll just get straight to the point and admit that there are little things eating up my little brain these past few days so I want to release them in an attempt to understand them.
Having said that, I have been ridiculously happy these past few weeks; honestly life is sweet as a bee and I am just loving those around me....most of them...and loving what's going on and enjoying my Easter holidays.
One thing bothering me which I think is the centre to the disaster in my head is weight and I hate to say it because it's ridiculous. I'm beginning to feel obsessed and just plain fucked up to be honest. I apologise for saying that like I did but I have no idea how else to put it. It is literally eating at me twenty four seven (excuse the pun). I believe I have mentioned weight issues on this in the past but surely this is a new level.
I'm not fat. I'm tall and pretty thin. I just know by the scales and the look of me at the moment that I am much bigger than I was a year ago (pre holidays).
The thing I feel is the most irritating is that in my head i know what I need to do to be happy and content about this. Last year's extreme motivation to get toned is absolutely....just...gone completely this time around. Like, I can't do it. That's frustrating. Because I've never WANTED to do it so bad before because I know I need to to be happy.
I feel bigger and I have basically put on a stone since last summer. I know I'm growing and I'm taking the pill and I'm developing with age and genes and all that malarky but I can't really cope with it...I don't want to say I have an eating disorder because I don't but I feel I have almost got a sprig of it - like a mild version of anorexia or something which could develop, no? Could it develop into something completely horrid???
It's all these absolutely skinny "sun kissed" or "sun bedded(!)" people around me using their fancy instagrams and what not and "#eatcleanMarch" and "#healthymonth" ETCCCC that is driving me insane. It is definitely a 2013 phase that has taken over everyone and it's so frustrating because 2012 me could be one of them, but this year I just don't have that same drive and determination because EVERYONE'S doing it so it's just frustrating to me. I get annoyed seeing all these instagrammed gorgeous healthy meals and checking in at the gym and I just want to scream for them to get out of my face, and then go and eat to make me happy. Then look in the mirror after and hate myself for doing it.
I don't understand and it's seriously playing me up to a point where I just don't know what I'm meant to look like. I just want to go to a doctor or something and for them to tell me look.....your height matches your weight. Yes you aren't toned and muscular but you are slim. Now smile and laugh and shut up.
I've checked online - I'm fine for my height, weight wise.
Seriously healthy if not under.
I just can't really feel happy about how I look at the moment because I keep looking at 2012 me and seeing a massive disgusting change thats unbearable. I was so pleased with myself in 2012. I looked so good - I'll just say it. I forced myself to eat less junk and eat more fruit and exercise and it was ENJOYABLE so it was good. This time, it is torture and I don't understand where my motivation has gone. I just want bad food too much.. irritating because I want to do this so badly. I want to get slimmer....
Sorry for the massive rambling I just want to process what I'm feeling really!
It sounds so much worse when down on paper.
I'll keep you posted.
Ciao for now :))))))
xxx
Sunday 31 March 2013
Wednesday 23 January 2013
Products I want to try
Hello lovelies!
A very simple little post tonight as it is quite late and I just thought I'd pop a little list of things I wish to try ASAP. If you've tried any, do let me know - recommend? Hate? Comment anywho :)
1. Max Factor 3 in 1 Foundation....
Supposedly full coverage, concealer, primer and foundation all in one. Sounds perfect on paper - but is it?
2. Elnett Heat Protectant Styling spray
Caters for waves, volume or simply protection. Looks fancy.
3. Topshop Nail Polish
I have STILL yet to try these, but the colour selection looks insaaaaane! Exciting.
...
So if any of you lovely readers have tried these products, or even something similar, do let me know. The foundation is most definitely on the top of my To Do list :)
Ciao for now!
xxx
A very simple little post tonight as it is quite late and I just thought I'd pop a little list of things I wish to try ASAP. If you've tried any, do let me know - recommend? Hate? Comment anywho :)
Supposedly full coverage, concealer, primer and foundation all in one. Sounds perfect on paper - but is it?
Caters for waves, volume or simply protection. Looks fancy.
3. Topshop Nail Polish
I have STILL yet to try these, but the colour selection looks insaaaaane! Exciting.
...
So if any of you lovely readers have tried these products, or even something similar, do let me know. The foundation is most definitely on the top of my To Do list :)
Ciao for now!
xxx
Monday 14 January 2013
Time for a catch up - fancy a cuppa?
Oh hello all...
It has been a ridiculously long time since I have blogged - sincerest apologies! I guess I sort of forgot I even had this. My last post was July if I am correct? It is now January 2013 -hahahaaaa I doubt many of you would have noticed though. (that I haven't posted I mean!)
I hope you are all doing brilliant in 2013 already. What a year 2012 was. I remember the end of 2011 on New Year's Eve - New Year's being a time where I am usually a bit down and depressed with times moving and changing and what not. I remember the end of 2011 with excitement and anticipation though because I can happily say that 2011 was one of THEE dullest and most depressing years I can remember. Just not a good year. So I was anticipating 2012 and my goodness did it live up to the expectations. Truly a brilliant year.
There were hiccups of course, family and friend tragedies and dramas, but 2012 felt like a year of growing up for me. I passed my driving test, I did my A levels, I got into my first choice university (judging by my last posts - I hadn't told you this yet??) I moved out of my home and into University accommodation and met people who I know will be close friends for 2013, I went on my first "friend-without-family" holiday and spent the most of it drunk and loving every second, and I also got my very first proper job. It's when looking at my past posts that I realise throughout the year of 2011 coming into 2012, I was worried about a lot of these things. I can tell by the way I was writing or what I was saying...
I remember posting the worry about my driving test - but I passed it didn't I?
I remember grumbling constantly about independence and being so frustrated and feeling stuck in my house doing nothing with my life - but I was blessed and lucky enough to get my own car and to finally get a job where I could pop out in my car when ever I pleased, drive myself to work etc.
I remember mentioning frustration about guys (haha - very subtly mentioned might I add!) I remember the specific 'male' who was bothering me at the time, the annoyance I felt and of course the confusion - now I can happily laugh and say that that had no effect on my life today whatsoever. Completely pointless worrying over absolutely nothing. And I don't care about still being single because I am meeting a lot of very fun people and getting to know myself as I do so :)
Basically 2012 was a year of growing, maturing, learning about me and forgetting petty things that seem to have consumed almost months of my brain thought and life, when really they mean absolutely nothing to my future.
I'm focused on exams, on work and on continuously being myself and enjoying the perks of this - I've met so many wonderfully diverse people at university whom I know I would never have met otherwise - it truly is a whole different experience far from school years. Funny, I remember my dad telling me that continuously - to go to uni not only for studying to get a good job, but for the experience. He was definitely right. You just don't get it until you go.... it's free or something. No one judges anyone, people are so much more open to personalities and interests in contrast to school where you had to almost force yourself to fit in with the others...so immature now when I think about it!
2013 will never be able to top 2012 but it can carry on from it. 2012 has set me up to be a fantastic person who will continue throughout 2013. 2013 has been unlucky so far - I won't go into detail, but my luck hasn't been very good! However, I'm positive.
Make your year what you want it to be. Don't dwell on little things that appear so much larger because they probably aren't. You might be sitting in 2014 laughing to yourself about how much you let one little thing consume so much thought the year before. Don't let it, learn to look past things and stay as positive as you can no matter how difficult it may be.
And always be yourself. Throw yourself in the deep end and just do. Don't feel pressured into doing things because of others. Do things in the moment even if you'll dwell on or regret them later. Just tell yourself; "at the time, I said in my head that it felt right. So I did it." You're only human - that's normal.
And good luck, enjoy your year and enjoy life.
I know I will.
Ciao for now, :)
xxx
It has been a ridiculously long time since I have blogged - sincerest apologies! I guess I sort of forgot I even had this. My last post was July if I am correct? It is now January 2013 -hahahaaaa I doubt many of you would have noticed though. (that I haven't posted I mean!)
I hope you are all doing brilliant in 2013 already. What a year 2012 was. I remember the end of 2011 on New Year's Eve - New Year's being a time where I am usually a bit down and depressed with times moving and changing and what not. I remember the end of 2011 with excitement and anticipation though because I can happily say that 2011 was one of THEE dullest and most depressing years I can remember. Just not a good year. So I was anticipating 2012 and my goodness did it live up to the expectations. Truly a brilliant year.
There were hiccups of course, family and friend tragedies and dramas, but 2012 felt like a year of growing up for me. I passed my driving test, I did my A levels, I got into my first choice university (judging by my last posts - I hadn't told you this yet??) I moved out of my home and into University accommodation and met people who I know will be close friends for 2013, I went on my first "friend-without-family" holiday and spent the most of it drunk and loving every second, and I also got my very first proper job. It's when looking at my past posts that I realise throughout the year of 2011 coming into 2012, I was worried about a lot of these things. I can tell by the way I was writing or what I was saying...
I remember posting the worry about my driving test - but I passed it didn't I?
I remember grumbling constantly about independence and being so frustrated and feeling stuck in my house doing nothing with my life - but I was blessed and lucky enough to get my own car and to finally get a job where I could pop out in my car when ever I pleased, drive myself to work etc.
I remember mentioning frustration about guys (haha - very subtly mentioned might I add!) I remember the specific 'male' who was bothering me at the time, the annoyance I felt and of course the confusion - now I can happily laugh and say that that had no effect on my life today whatsoever. Completely pointless worrying over absolutely nothing. And I don't care about still being single because I am meeting a lot of very fun people and getting to know myself as I do so :)
Basically 2012 was a year of growing, maturing, learning about me and forgetting petty things that seem to have consumed almost months of my brain thought and life, when really they mean absolutely nothing to my future.
I'm focused on exams, on work and on continuously being myself and enjoying the perks of this - I've met so many wonderfully diverse people at university whom I know I would never have met otherwise - it truly is a whole different experience far from school years. Funny, I remember my dad telling me that continuously - to go to uni not only for studying to get a good job, but for the experience. He was definitely right. You just don't get it until you go.... it's free or something. No one judges anyone, people are so much more open to personalities and interests in contrast to school where you had to almost force yourself to fit in with the others...so immature now when I think about it!
2013 will never be able to top 2012 but it can carry on from it. 2012 has set me up to be a fantastic person who will continue throughout 2013. 2013 has been unlucky so far - I won't go into detail, but my luck hasn't been very good! However, I'm positive.
Make your year what you want it to be. Don't dwell on little things that appear so much larger because they probably aren't. You might be sitting in 2014 laughing to yourself about how much you let one little thing consume so much thought the year before. Don't let it, learn to look past things and stay as positive as you can no matter how difficult it may be.
And always be yourself. Throw yourself in the deep end and just do. Don't feel pressured into doing things because of others. Do things in the moment even if you'll dwell on or regret them later. Just tell yourself; "at the time, I said in my head that it felt right. So I did it." You're only human - that's normal.
And good luck, enjoy your year and enjoy life.
I know I will.
Ciao for now, :)
xxx
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