Hi y'all :)
I'll just get straight to the point and admit that there are little things eating up my little brain these past few days so I want to release them in an attempt to understand them.
Having said that, I have been ridiculously happy these past few weeks; honestly life is sweet as a bee and I am just loving those around me....most of them...and loving what's going on and enjoying my Easter holidays.
One thing bothering me which I think is the centre to the disaster in my head is weight and I hate to say it because it's ridiculous. I'm beginning to feel obsessed and just plain fucked up to be honest. I apologise for saying that like I did but I have no idea how else to put it. It is literally eating at me twenty four seven (excuse the pun). I believe I have mentioned weight issues on this in the past but surely this is a new level.
I'm not fat. I'm tall and pretty thin. I just know by the scales and the look of me at the moment that I am much bigger than I was a year ago (pre holidays).
The thing I feel is the most irritating is that in my head i know what I need to do to be happy and content about this. Last year's extreme motivation to get toned is absolutely....just...gone completely this time around. Like, I can't do it. That's frustrating. Because I've never WANTED to do it so bad before because I know I need to to be happy.
I feel bigger and I have basically put on a stone since last summer. I know I'm growing and I'm taking the pill and I'm developing with age and genes and all that malarky but I can't really cope with it...I don't want to say I have an eating disorder because I don't but I feel I have almost got a sprig of it - like a mild version of anorexia or something which could develop, no? Could it develop into something completely horrid???
It's all these absolutely skinny "sun kissed" or "sun bedded(!)" people around me using their fancy instagrams and what not and "#eatcleanMarch" and "#healthymonth" ETCCCC that is driving me insane. It is definitely a 2013 phase that has taken over everyone and it's so frustrating because 2012 me could be one of them, but this year I just don't have that same drive and determination because EVERYONE'S doing it so it's just frustrating to me. I get annoyed seeing all these instagrammed gorgeous healthy meals and checking in at the gym and I just want to scream for them to get out of my face, and then go and eat to make me happy. Then look in the mirror after and hate myself for doing it.
I don't understand and it's seriously playing me up to a point where I just don't know what I'm meant to look like. I just want to go to a doctor or something and for them to tell me look.....your height matches your weight. Yes you aren't toned and muscular but you are slim. Now smile and laugh and shut up.
I've checked online - I'm fine for my height, weight wise.
Seriously healthy if not under.
I just can't really feel happy about how I look at the moment because I keep looking at 2012 me and seeing a massive disgusting change thats unbearable. I was so pleased with myself in 2012. I looked so good - I'll just say it. I forced myself to eat less junk and eat more fruit and exercise and it was ENJOYABLE so it was good. This time, it is torture and I don't understand where my motivation has gone. I just want bad food too much.. irritating because I want to do this so badly. I want to get slimmer....
Sorry for the massive rambling I just want to process what I'm feeling really!
It sounds so much worse when down on paper.
I'll keep you posted.
Ciao for now :))))))
xxx
