Hope you're all doing lovely. Just sitting up in bed with my fairy lights and candles burning ... was trying to learn some info for my exam next week as today I utterly utterly failed! (once again, I'm finding it awfully hard to get motivated).
Thing is, these exams really matter, and I think it's the stress and worry that's actually preventing me from being able to revise. I seem to have got it into my head that there is no time - like really, in facts, it is impossible for me to sufficiently learn the information enough in the time I have. Impossible. You can't do it, so why even bother? Why stress yourself out and work your ass off when in the end you will fail and somehow that will be worse. I always feel as though if I do a slightly crap exam, but I can say to myself, 'well you didn't work for it did you?' - it makes me feel better. There is something so frustrating and horribly sad when you have genuinely been so motivated and put your ass into work only to come out with failure. That's how I'm feeling right now. These are so important but I feel it is physically impossible at this stage in time to do well. It's too late. So now I just feel helpless.
I'm not saying I didn't work, because I have. All year round I really have. Making notes, keeping up to date - I am most definitely not a crammer. It's just the work itself seems so much harder than I've ever challenged before and I am overwhelmed to be honest.. yes I have loads of lovely done out notes but the information itself is impossible to me.
I've done 2 exams already (YAY slowly getting there) and well to be honest they were supposed to be my easiest - my passion, what I'm good at, what I did so much work for. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, they went awful. In the moment I just managed to mess up both papers so badly. Was it nerves or stupidity I don't know. I think that's what's really thrown me. I just want to rewind time and start over because I really think if I had got off to a better start, I would be in a much better position right now....
I don't know. I don't feel like myself and I hate myself these days. Hate my life these days hate my mindset, everything is just really, really getting me down. I can assure you guys I am clean minded and healthy!!!! Don't go panicking that I'm going to do anything manic or tragic because I won't - honest :)
Just bla. I don't know who to talk to or how to register or articulate what I'm feeling. Never have I ever got so messed up in the mind about exams .. it's scaring me! Throwing me off course big time!
Hope any of you guys aren't feeling the same... it's horrible. Please comment if you are!! :)
GOOD LUCK for you exams, and hopefully my next post will be a jovial one celebrating the beginning of my Summer :) I cannot wait
Ciao for now :)
xxx
